if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
