I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
