there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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