I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
