Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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