i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
