Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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