She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
