Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
