at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
