I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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