I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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