Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
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I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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