the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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