If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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