Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
