i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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