I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
