I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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