Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
FUCK WHALES
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
