I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
