if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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