Your tits are I can't wait for
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
