You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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