my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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