i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
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Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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