She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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