If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
