i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
