Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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