thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
