dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
