I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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