New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
