Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
