I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
