how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
