i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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