Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
