What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
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