Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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