alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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