he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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