i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I need a beard to bite.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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