I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
