I wish I could teleport
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
