The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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