I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
