alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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