She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
