I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
