Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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