a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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