Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
