I hope mine doesn't look like that
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
