So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
