That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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