At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
