he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
