You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
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made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
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Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket