friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse