but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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